I am very sad

I AM SAD

(no subject)

for a few days now I've been thinking about my very complicated feelings about gender and the way I write gender, and the fact that a while back I absently wrote out a fic in my head that was a butch trans woman and a femme trans guy having sex and it made me feel better in this deep and unquantifiable way I've been chasing ever since. and how my feelings about gender are necessarily seen through the lenses of being kinky and also very, very deep in the closet (the closest I've come to coming out, gender-wise, is saying "I may not be all girl" once in a while, never very loudly. contrast this to my bisexuality, which everyone but my parents knows about at this point.) it's hard. it's so hard. I want to do nothing but whine about my gender (which is just how I deal with things, I guess, because while I was figuring out my sexuality that's exactly what I did.) but I have no one to whine to. all my tangled-up thoughts are too deeply tied to my sexuality for me to post them, because I am always afraid someone will yell at me for daring to talk about my sexuality while being a minor (alluding to its existence is also not okay, technically) so I just suffer. this is fun. I'm having fun.
so much fun
( the thing i want )