nerdflighter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nerdflighter) wrote2019-01-19 10:00 am
nerdflighter) wrote2019-01-19 10:00 am
asking for advice
One of the things I do on my discourse blog is talk about the nature of binaries and how they erase a lot of grey areas. And recently, I was talking about how it's possible for cis people to be dysphoric, and how cis people can benefit from having access to the narrative around dysphoria.
And I got this message, in the form of a submission.
this person reads as trans to me, and yet? they never would have come forward if I hadn't talked about cis dysphoria. and I can't justify labeling them as something they don't identify as, but at the same time I don't know how to weigh that out against their distress and the possible comfort they would find in a *trans label.
I don't know what I'm doing, basically, and I'd like to know what y'all think.
And I got this message, in the form of a submission.
wanted to i guess vent about my personal experience w/ feeling dysphoria (maybe?) without being trans. you don’t have to post this; it might be better if you don’t since it would be weird to have people debating my Validity:tm: but idk it might be good as food for thought for your theories or you could just not read it. your posts just made me Think and i wanted to get the feelings out. sorry if any of this is weird or bad to read haha…
so personally i don’t consider myself trans in any way but i do experience something that at least to me seems like really really mild gender dysphoria. i might just be wrong about what dysphoria is so i’m gonna try to explain the exact feelings, where i think they’re coming from, and why i don’t think i am trans. for reference i am afab and don’t have any other brain stuff going on as far as i know (never been to a doctor for that kind of thing) aside from getting panic attacks sometimes.
so firstly i experience what is, as far as i know, social dysphoria. i don’t like being called “she” (when i was younger i used to dislike being called “he” too but i think that was mostly because i was offended by male being the default - so for logical reasons instead of emotional ones.) i don’t like being treated as female or the expectations associated with being viewed as female, although admittedly i think most women don’t regardless of if they’re cis or trans because of like misogyny and stuff. you know how it be… society. anyway in general being thought of as a woman makes me uncomfortable in most contexts including ones that are obstensibly positive. i also experience like… physical or sex dysphoria (not sure what the right term is.) i’m gonna avoid being graphic but in general i dislike my genitalia and wish i had a penis and usually imagine myself with one in sexual fantasies. i don’t have the same feelings towards my breasts though but i don’t especially… like them or anything.
so in my opinion the reason i feel like this despite not being trans is that i was (and am) really physically unattractive and socially inept and got bullied for it a lot as a kid. but even when i wasn’t being directly bullied i was still treated differently from female peers with more acceptable appearances and behaviors. when i would wear feminine clothes or makeup i was treated badly for it, because i was not a “real girl” to my peers. obviously this isn’t at all the same as what trans people experience but it created a disconnect for me between my technically assigned sex and how i was gendered by others. since i wasn’t seen as or treated as a girl but as some degendered/desexed other (and also i am still treated that way irl most of the time) so being treated as one pretty much solely online feels disorienting and upsetting and i feel some level of compulsion not to have the physical attributes that make me afab.
i have no desire to transition through surgery or hormone treatment so i think i’m not trans. it’s not for practical reasons either i just don’t think it would fix my dysphoria in any way. i don’t think socially transitioning would help either.
again i realize this isn’t the same as what trans people experience and it’s extremely mild but idk what to call it except dysphoria. not sure if i am cis or maybe some kind of non-trans nb?
whew long wall of text… anyway have a great day. you are cool!
this person reads as trans to me, and yet? they never would have come forward if I hadn't talked about cis dysphoria. and I can't justify labeling them as something they don't identify as, but at the same time I don't know how to weigh that out against their distress and the possible comfort they would find in a *trans label.
I don't know what I'm doing, basically, and I'd like to know what y'all think.
no subject
no subject
I've always had gender euphoria when I hit the appropriate level of femininity. My mom is not very feminine, so when I was a little kid, we always got into fights because I wanted to keep my hair long, but she didn't know how to brush it out without tangling and always suggested I'd be happier with it short. I always wanted the prettiest dresses I could find, and I loved wearing them even when it wasn't a formal occasion. I lobbied hard to get pierced ears beginning around age six, and when my mom set it in stone that I had to wait until I was ten, I woke up on my tenth birthday like "BITCH WHERE ARE MY EARRINGS"
There were times when it became unpleasant or onerous--old men of my grandfather's set stifling me with the insistence that I behave exactly how they wanted or insinuations that a pretty little girl shouldn't ask questions. Boys who wanted to "play doctor" and pushed me to do things I was afraid or ashamed to do. But that was about violating my own comfort zone, not about who I was. I had a lot of media with feisty princesses who wore dresses and kicked butt, and I knew that was what I wanted to be like.
I liked pretending to be a boy sometimes, partly because I read a lot of stories about girls pretending to be boys so they could go on adventures, but the one time I remember being actually accidentally misgendered when I wasn't expecting it, I was about 10, it was like this lightning bolt of invalidation. It felt like I'd failed in my basic task of existing, as though they'd looked right at me and not actually seen anything there. I knew I wanted that to never happen again, unless I was very purposefully crossdressing.
I was excited when I got my period, because it meant I was growing up like Alanna the Lioness. I was so excited when my chest started to grow, even though other girls in class told me that it was "gross" that my chest showed under some of my shirts. When I was 12, I was excited to picture myself as a woman in her 30s.
I didn't present as very feminine, partly because I got mocked when I tried to do things like wear makeup or wear fashionable clothing. I always wanted to dress well and look pretty, but I had very limited friends or social contacts who would shop with me or teach me about fashion or makeup, so I did my best to be invisible and draw feminine outfits and pretty girls I wanted to be like in my notebooks. In university, when I had friends I could dress up and go to the opera with, I was overjoyed.
I've also had a sense of my sexuality since I was really small. This is embarrassing--but every day for my first year of school, I'd wait until a boy I liked came onto the schoolgrounds, and chase him around trying to kiss him, which he did his utmost to avoid. (Oh god! HOW I wish someone had stopped me. But they all thought it was "cute") I saw Aladdin with Jasmine pretending to be Jafar's besotted slave, Return of the Jedi with Slave Leia, Terminator 2 with Sarah Connor being groped and licked while in restraints, and something in my brain went *!!!* about that--I remember being about 6 and trying to get my brother's friend to play a game where I got to be a sexy slave and he was very confused and not into it. I was kinky before I even knew what sex was.
These days, I can raise my mood really easily by adding jewelry, makeup, or feminine hairstyle to my look. I'm delighted if someone I like lets me know that I'm pretty. Wanting to be feminine affects very little of my behaviour, and I know that confuses men, because I look like a sweet small not-particularly-bright woman and then I open my mouth and tear apart their opinions so hard their grandfathers hurt, but I do so with a sense of relish--I like being a small sweet-looking woman, and it just shows that they're stupid for underestimating me.
So yeah, it breaks my heart that people think that dull resignation is all they can hope for out of gender. My gender, when I get to live it, delights me.
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This doesn't absolve her of being a dick about my gender presentation, of course--but I think it might be a surprisingly common form of anxiety driving people who nervously police gender-non-conforming folks, because they would be incredibly uncomfortable to get that kind of reception. (Me, I thought it was hilarious when I got mistaken for a boy at about the same age, and was busily yearning after the short haircuts on women in media and "tough" women pretty early on.)
I have a similarly very strong sense of my own gender, which is lucky enough to match my body fine, but is definitively not femme. When I have been hauled into the small sweet looking dynamic, I've been skin-crawlingly uncomfortable and really upset about it. One of the worst experiences of my life was throwing all the femme drag on in order to be matron of honor for my sister, an event in which I basically let other people dress me and dictate how I acted and pretend to be a totally different person in order to let my sister's wedding come off well. I don't think anyone in my family quite understands exactly how awful that was for me to pull off, or how much I conceptualized it both now and at the time as a gift for my sister.
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