something in the wires made the lightbulbs break

a few things

Sat, 04 Jul 2020 07:54:40 GMT

an ex-friend is on dreamwidth now, which makes me think returning is a bad idea, but also what the fuck i can do what i like fuck you
i am now into other things and my dreamwidth reading page is completely unconnected to my interests. that's not a bad thing, but it does make reading it rather tedious.
tumblr updated its website and now everything sucks and xkit might not be able to fix it and this is so upsetting
i use twitter. i hate twitter

all of this is to say that i am probably maybe remaking my dreamwidth account? i'll set that one up and make another post here to redirect.

features of new account, hopefully

me talking more
more nsfw content, since that is no longer illegal
more trying to locate my interests, more figuring out how that works on dreamwidth
better tagging system
absolutely no stalking ex-friend. in fact i do not even know what his username is. it's somewhere in my brain but i am NOT going to dig it up! i am not! i speak it into existence

thank you for reading

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writing

Sat, 30 Nov 2019 17:53:43 GMT

crawling out of my hibernation to declare that I have officially posted 206k words this year to ao3!!

( more rambling )

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Tue, 23 Jul 2019 15:36:41 GMT

( Read more... )

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Thu, 11 Jul 2019 06:57:33 GMT

I don't like this post but I can't articulate why. although I think it has something to do with this article

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Wed, 10 Jul 2019 14:52:50 GMT

I don't think my friend realizes that my goodwill is in fact exhaustible and it is especially exhaustible when I'm running on empty already. like you can't just keep digging in me for patience and kindness and comfort and give nothing back and expect that to be a sustainable state of affairs.

I wish I had more. but I fucking don't, and I'm TIRED, and if this doesn't end this relationship is going to crash and burn really hard because I only have so much to give and unless they get with that state of affairs really fucking fast I'm going to do something drastic and regrettable

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Sun, 07 Jul 2019 06:53:46 GMT

MAKING CARRD.CO WEBSITES IS ADDICTIVE

( Read more... )

I've made two so far, and I'm definitely more proud of the second one than the first one but AAAA it's FUN? I LIKE DOING IT? it's just ;; tingly......

_____

I wrote like...1.6k + 0.9k words yesterday and somehow still feel like I haven't written a single one. also, my laptop is gunked with some weird thing that messes w the ctrl key and makes it hard to type. AND my horny brain checked tf out so I haven't even written any porn. cheers.

_____

hellcation might be over, but now I have school and ten million assignments (4) to be submitted at the end of this month and I don't know what they are aaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH

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rape tw

Tue, 11 Jun 2019 11:45:23 GMT

a friend is looking to get over rape related trauma and hopes that reading accounts by real people (of any gender) who enjoy PiV sex would help. does anyone know of such accounts? please give me links xo

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a post about dazai

Fri, 07 Jun 2019 13:25:37 GMT

basically just some rambling about Dazai and objectification feels I threw at a friend earlier today
+ links to the four (FOUR) Dazai/objectification fics I have written
+ some talking about the fic I am currently writing and kinfeels related to that.
+ emotions

( tw: rape and abuse )

( Read more... )

( kinfeels + bsd spoilers )

( cw: emotions and general self-disgust )

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Wed, 05 Jun 2019 07:02:50 GMT

I wrote a fic I'm almost proud of :D

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Tue, 04 Jun 2019 16:47:20 GMT

( self harm, suicidal ideation, self hatred )

i strongly debated whether i should post this at all and i'm still not sure - maybe i'll take the post down in a few days or private it

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Mon, 27 May 2019 18:24:32 GMT

pokes my head up from the depths of hell (Mumbai summer) to talk about a take I saw...months back.

( cw discussions of kink and slavery )

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a few things // rambling

Sun, 19 May 2019 19:50:31 GMT

( Read more... )

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Sun, 19 May 2019 13:36:26 GMT

today I had an epiphany while posting my fic that the question I was really asking and attempting to answer was "can you write a nonbinary character who does not even realize that they're nonbinary?" and I don't know if I succeeded or what that means but writing this fic was so much fun and I am glad I did.

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cw: kin things

Sun, 12 May 2019 19:12:09 GMT

( Read more... )

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what am i reading?

Sun, 12 May 2019 07:21:57 GMT

not as much as usual, apparently

offices can be hell for people whose brains work differently

this tumblr post by star-anise

adolescents display tolerance to ambiguity

the enduring myth of complicated female sexuality

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Fri, 10 May 2019 06:52:47 GMT

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I've written more in the past like....10 days than I have all year, I think. I think. I don't know.

but here's a roundup of the written, the in progress, and the posted.

waiting to be written

- fics for odazai week 2019
- a fic where Dazai gets turned into a kid and the ADA is confused and they have to bring in Chuuya because Chuuya is the only person apart from Mori that Dazai knows/remembers.
- sloppy seconds fic

in progress
- girl!Dazai fic | 11k
- trans!Dazai fic | nearly 2k

the posted
this day in history | 1.2k Oda & Ango & Dazai - different first meetings | T
a soft process | 1.8k brainwashing? conditioning? I don't know | E
that one last tender place | 2.1k angsty wingfic | T

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met gala 2019

Tue, 07 May 2019 03:10:53 GMT

honks my clown nose sadly

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Mon, 06 May 2019 13:01:28 GMT

4 gifs I spend a LOT of time thinking about. like.....a lot.

one: this gif from mitski's music video for townie
two: this incredibly tender scene
three: this one, which i first saw while listening to fallingforyou by the 1975 and changed my goddamn life
four: this gif of Dazai Osamu from bsd which gives me indescribable emotions

all gifs lead to my tumblogs. the second one is lightly nsfw

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Sun, 05 May 2019 07:14:53 GMT

I want to learn how to write meta. if you have any tips on writing meta (and I do mean like Writing Meta like how do you make it into a readable post) and are willing to share them I would love to hear it

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Tue, 30 Apr 2019 17:30:36 GMT

personal update of sorts because I haven't been around much

- I wrote two fics while I was gone, and one of them I'm even proud of. people keep asking me for sequels to this fic where the ADA confronts Mori and I'm more than a little annoyed at that. confronting Mori would be terrible on Dazai's mental health, and not every narrative of surviving needs to be end in 'confronting' and 'punishing' one's abuser, and if you wanna write them feel free but I am not ever going to with this fic not least because people apparently want it so badly. also I put so much of myself into writing Dazai that I'm half him right now, and I KNOW that confronting Mori would be the Very Worst Thing for him, and right now writing Dazai-centric angst would be tantamount to self-harm and I try not to do that these days.

I also changed my ao3 username from nerdflighter to intimatopia

- I've been more active on twitter lately

- I got into the bungou stray dogs fandom and fell headfirst into kinning Dazai Osamu...anyway please talk to me about bsd I have Emotions

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Tue, 30 Apr 2019 17:05:47 GMT

I read a bunch of good articles these past couple weeks, so I'm going to try to link there all

"listen up bitches"

the queer erotics of handholding in literature

the intellectual we deserve

how riverdale turns masculinity into a queer thirst trap

young men's minds: looking beyond moods and feelings

the lost girls: a rehearsal for minor tragedies. tangential to this are some thoughts on why I love writing angst, and why so much of my angst centers around loneliness, mental illness, and sexual violence.

masculinity: the personal, the political, and the economic

the epidemic of gay loneliness

ariana grande and the lesbian narcissus. I don't really like the way this article is written.

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Mon, 15 Apr 2019 19:12:15 GMT

I had a therapy session of sorts today (long story) and we came to some conclusions
( Read more... )

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Mon, 15 Apr 2019 19:09:07 GMT

you know how people write fic in their friend's DMs, or in discord servers? not!fic, or bullet point fic, or whatever you want to call it? I used to do that a lot and then I stopped because I started doing Actual Writing but I miss doing it! it was lower effort than Actual Fic and very very rewarding and I would love to get back into it, now only to find a friend who shares my fandoms and/or doesn't mind me talking about my OCs and a ton of messed up angst. in return I will be invested in your OCs. or really, if anyone has any suggestions as to how I could get back into this practice they would be highly appreciated.

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Sat, 13 Apr 2019 13:08:05 GMT

written in response to this thread, put here for archiving (?) purposes

that’s because of a flaw in the way trans & nb people look at and conceive of gender. it runs something like this

trans people have always fought really hard against the idea that everyone is their assigned gender, and that there are only two gender boxes. words like cis exist to denote people who are 1. binary gendered 2. identify with the gender they were assigned at birth.

this system is very simplistic and often falls apart. my go-to example is that of intersex people. when we talk about “cis” people as defined at the end of paragraph #2 we’re sort of assuming that we’re talking about “perisex” people (people who are not intersex) also, but some intersex people identify with the gender they were assigned at birth which is also a binary gender so...what kind of cis privilege does this person have?

(perisex is also not the most coherent category)

the point I’m getting at is that trans people took the male/female binary with a cis/trans&nb binary. and any binary that we attempt to establish is going to erase a whole lot of nuance and complexity. which I personally don’t like, but I also use the word cis constantly, because it’s easier. because it makes it easier to have the conversation I’m trying to have.

but sometimes trans people use “cis” to refer to people who haven’t really thought about gender and gender roles, which is just not true! cis lgbpa people think about gender and gender roles a lot. as do autistic and disabled people. as do people of color. these groups experience gender differently, and trying to slot them into cis/trans binary is going to leave a lot of people out of the narrative.

which is where experiences like yours come in, I imagine. I’ve used words like cisn’t and uncis to refer to people like this, but I would really like a better word.

the problem is that trans people tend to be very resistant to the idea that there are cis people who don’t fit the narrative of cisness that trans people have codified, as though trans people have any idea what the cis narrative of gender is.

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Wed, 10 Apr 2019 18:23:58 GMT

I've seen a lot of bad discourse lately, from people I generally respect and admire, about how misandry isn't a real thing and doesn't affect people's lives and so on. This is especially frustrating because we were speaking about a trans man, and I am just...so tired. And so depressed by the way feminism is so resistant to the idea that it can and does cause harm, and that the harm feminism causes in its own name is not justified no matter how, I don't know. Worthy our goals are. It makes me feel bad about calling myself a feminist (( alternatives: )). It makes me feel bad about everything.

I have a tag for talking about the "privileges" trans men have. What I desperately need is validation and people - men and women and NBs - talking about their experiences with misandry. If you have links to such things, or would like to share your own, I would love to hear it.

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