nerdflighter | (no subject)

my friend wrote a long post in defense of cutting/suicide and normally its the kind of thing id love to read but right now i know that if i read it ill get a knife and do something immensely foolish. one of the things that stops me from self harming is the idea that it's bad, it's wrong, it doesn't help and i shouldn't do it and if someone were to list out arguments against those excuses i would, absolutely, cut, no matter how scared i am of blood or my own body. it fucking hurts though, and i hate doing self care, and i wish i was bad at it. i wish i didn't feel morally obligated to be good at taking care of myself. i wish i hated myself more or cared about myself less, so that i could just do those things and not feel so guilty, and not question my motives into oblivion. i wish i was hurting enough for someone to notice, i wish i'd get hurt in ways that are real enough to justify my pain, i wish i was in a place where i wasn't the only person taking care of my mental health and i also want to be in the place where no one, including me, cares. i think wishing to be in a worse place than you are is a sin. i hate everything and myself most of all

this is not the fault of the person who wrote the post, and i don't wish they'd not written it because like i said, normally i'd be all over it. but right now it's an infohazard. everything is an infohazard, my own brain and the text above and the very existence of those words.

i posted this in a group chat first, but then it is a hazard and i wanted it gone but i also wanted to preserve it so here it goes.

if reading or seeing this post hurts anyone i am genuinely sorry.

i strongly debated whether i should post this at all and i'm still not sure - maybe i'll take the post down in a few days or private it