(no subject)

[nerdflighter]

my friend wrote a long post in defense of cutting/suicide and normally its the kind of thing id love to read but right now i know that if i read it ill get a knife and do something immensely foolish. one of the things that stops me from self harming is the idea that it's bad, it's wrong, it doesn't help and i shouldn't do it and if someone were to list out arguments against those excuses i would, absolutely, cut, no matter how scared i am of blood or my own body. it fucking hurts though, and i hate doing self care, and i wish i was bad at it. i wish i didn't feel morally obligated to be good at taking care of myself. i wish i hated myself more or cared about myself less, so that i could just do those things and not feel so guilty, and not question my motives into oblivion. i wish i was hurting enough for someone to notice, i wish i'd get hurt in ways that are real enough to justify my pain, i wish i was in a place where i wasn't the only person taking care of my mental health and i also want to be in the place where no one, including me, cares. i think wishing to be in a worse place than you are is a sin. i hate everything and myself most of all

this is not the fault of the person who wrote the post, and i don't wish they'd not written it because like i said, normally i'd be all over it. but right now it's an infohazard. everything is an infohazard, my own brain and the text above and the very existence of those words.

i posted this in a group chat first, but then it is a hazard and i wanted it gone but i also wanted to preserve it so here it goes.

if reading or seeing this post hurts anyone i am genuinely sorry.

i strongly debated whether i should post this at all and i'm still not sure - maybe i'll take the post down in a few days or private it

Comments

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

Your top bit of code is missing the second quotation mark, so the cut didn't work.

If it's any consolation, it's really common to wish to be worse off, and that's not a reflection on you or how much you care about other peoples' suffering, but rather it's a reflection of peoples'/your own universal need to be recognized, and society's tendency to only care about extremes and to push only the harshest narratives and neglect the more commonplace but "not deep enough" experiences. It happens on all axes, including people who wish they were more dysphoric so others would recognize them as legitimately trans, or people who wish they had a chronic illness so others would dote on them/pay attention to them, or people who wish they were black so others would take their perceived oppression more seriously. It's logically fallacious, but that's because it's a reaction of our primal selves, and there's really not a good way to overcome feelings.

"It's considered bad/wrong" is a perfectly fine moral stage to be at if that's what works for you. It's your body, your life, your mind, your business. You don't have to justify your reasons for not hurting yourself or for not hurting. Binaristic thinking is a coping mechanism, and coping mechanisms serve a positive function, and this is one of those instances where binary thinking isn't actually detrimental. You can absolutely make whatever excuses you need in order to wrangle control of your brain--making excuses is actually a huge part of fighting scrupulosity.

[nerdflighter]

<3

that makes sense. thank you so much

I want to say more but I can just barely articulate how grateful I am, so I think I'll just leave it here.