(no subject)

occasionally I go through my gdocs and unearth things I had forgotten I wrote. Sometimes they're stuff I wrote just two days back. ADHD is a hell of a drug.

thorkidall ficlet

Below is a thorkidall (thordallki?) ficlet I wrote on a whim. Contains: an abused character in an unhealthy situation, sibling incest, sex of dubious consent, and nightmares. I am of the humble opinion that it is strangely wholesome, but YMMV. Also, happy birthday to me! 
WC: 952 | E 
( ficlet below )

autistic Loki

 

Loki’s elegance is manufactured. Thor knows this well—he was there while Loki spent hours perfecting the way he moved his hands to hide their constant tremble, to erase the jerky, birdlike motion. he sparred with Loki, taught him how to carry himself straight-backed, taught him how to sit at a table without slouching or putting his feet on the chair.

Thor used to wonder why Loki tried to hard to hide everything that made him different, when it so clearly hurt him. he’d seen the way Loki broke down and loosened when he came back to his rooms at the end of a long day, the way he curled up as small as he could, picking at his skin the way he couldn’t outside. and Thor had only seen him because Loki allowed him to; he treasured the comfort must have Loki felt around him, to drop all his careful walls.

it hurt now, to watch Loki pretend there was nothing different about him at all. to watch Loki move and speak with a fluidity borne of lifelong practice and pain and act like it came naturally to him. he didn’t drop the farce even when they were alone together, and Thor wanted to go to him. he wanted to pull Loki closer and cup his face and ask him why he was trying so hard, who he was trying to fool on this ship in the middle of nowhere.

he wanted to pull Loki closer, period. kiss his hair, rub his hands because they always hurt, from the magic and because he moved them in a way opposite to what they otherwise would. he wanted to kiss Loki because that always calmed him down, because Loki deserved to feel calm and safe.

fantasy novel nostalgia

Oh man, I just happened across a throwaway mention of the Wheel of Time, and that brings back so many memories. It's a fucking brick house of a fantasy series - 14,15 books total - and I read it through at least five times (skipping over Perrin chapters every time, of course. He CAN MEET ME IN THE FUCKING PIT) I had so many disaster bisexual Matrim Cauthon headcanons (I only recognise them as such looking back - I was still depressed and heterosexual while I was reading that series, which means I was 12? 13?) I particularly enjoyed Rand's slow decent into insanity - it's still one of the best whump sequences I've ever had the pleasure of reading - and every time Nynaeve made an appearance. I love Nynaeve. What an absolute queen that lady is. 
I just! I have so many emotions! Please talk to me about this stupid brick house, I have so many feelings.