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On my discourse blog, I have two tags: minors with kinks and minors with sexualities, both of which contain people talking about all the ways in which their kinks and sexualities manifested when they were still teens, and how some people have had their kinks for as long as they can remember. Neither tag is very full, but sometimes they make me happy. It makes me feel less alone to know that having fantasies about sex and kink in some form or another for over half your life doesn't make me weird, or an outlier, or a victim-in-waiting. It's normal! I'm normal! I have a lot of messed up fantasies and kinks and it is all! perfectly fucking normal!
In general I'm not somebody who craves normalcy, but there are times when you need it. There are times when the worst possible thing is to be the only one. I made that tag to let other people know that they weren't alone, and that having kinks from a young age didn't make them predators or otherwise horrible people, and I guess it worked on me too. 
Mostly though, I get sad. I get sad about how sex-shamey the current tumblr attitude is, how it's so fucking popular to say that minors can't identify as asexual and see even inclusionists buy it. It's terrifying. So many antis are young, as young as me or younger, and so many of them are vulnerable to talk like this. I hate to imagine some anti figure out that writing and reading incest turns them on and go into a spiral of self loathing for a kink that is, to be frank, perfectly normal and completely harmless. Or, god forbid, they find they have rape fantasies. I consider myself to be progressive and accepting about kinks, but I felt ashamed of myself for nearly a month before I managed to break myself out of that cycle. 
This morning somebody sent me an anon telling me to stay away from kids, and I blocked them, but what I wanted to say was: I don't really like kids all that much. I wanted to say: kids scare me, and they don't shame. They don't deserve the likes of you policing their sexuality and their self-expression. They don't deserve to be abused by lgbt people in the same way their conservative parent might, if they were to discover the child masturbating. Nobody deserves this, but children especially don't. 
I want to tell these people who they're really hurting with talk like this, but I don't know how to get through to them. I don't know if I can; I feel sick going through their blogs for too long. I am not immune to their rhetoric, I still catch myself thinking I'm a pedophile. Because of the blog I run and the views I hold, and the ones I dare not air.
But more than anything I want for people like me to know that they aren't alone and they don't deserve to be hurt for having a sexuality. Even the ones of them that are antis. I think they're the ones who need to hear it the most.

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for the 187th time I AM GOING TO MISS TUMBLR
like. we can talk all we want about how it's a horrible place but 1. i like it. 2. it's garbage but it's garbage i spent years in and now it's grown on me like fungus 3. i spent several years curating my dash to the point where i had a blog for everything i said and a decent amount of followers who cared about my thoughts enough to like every post i made (even the posts that were // with a 3 paragraph rant in the tags) and i was writing fic almost every day and it took me years to get to this point and I'm mad that all my hard work is going to tank on me now, at this point, when i need it the most.
fuck.
also because i got this ask on my discourse blog and i lowkey wanna cry
Hey I’m not sure if your leaving tumblr after the purge so I just wanted to say thanks. I found this blog when I was a teenager. It was probably the reason I accepted I was ace.

i want to keep doing this. i want to keep being the person i was on tumblr, because i was a better person over there.
there. i made myself cry.

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nerdflighter

July 2020

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