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nerdflighterI'm thinking about doing a twitter thread on how to interact with minors as an adult in queer/fandom spaces online. To that end, what are some things about interacting with teenagers that you wish you had known before you started doing it / that surprised you / that you'd want other adults to know?
[My favourite response to this question was my friend going 'nothing. I just treat them like normal people' and we laughed a little about it and then I had the somewhat cringeworthy realisation that this is not in fact very obvious to most people.]
1. Treat minors like people.
2. It's alright to set boundaries about what you will and won't talk about with minors.
3. If you're in fandom and you write porn, it's safe to assume that minors are reading it. There's nothing you can do to prevent this from happening.
4. Sometimes, if a minor is talking to you about something, there may well be no one else in their life they can turn to.
5. It's not your job to be on your best behavior around them 24/7. If you try to be a role model, you will alienate them. You are not there to be a role model, you're there to be a friend. If you're trying to be a role model, they will be able to tell, and it will not end pretty.
6a. Respect the boundaries they set, even if those boundaries don't make sense to you. This is basic people skills. If they ask you not to do something, don't do it. Conversely, if they indicate that something is bueno, trust them. Allow them space to change their boundaries.
6b. Help them enforce boundaries if they ask you to. If they come to you like 'this person is creeping me out', you can help them.
6c. But do not enforce boundaries they haven't asked you to enforce. If you learn that they're RPing sex you don't have to go 'hey that's a really bad idea' even if you're dead certain it's a bad idea. Go scream about it in private with another friend. Letting them know you disapprove of a thing they enjoy doing is means you'll be last person they come to when things go south. Everyone is afraid they'll have to hear 'I told you so' when they fuck up. Even adults. If you give someone a choice between no help and 'I told you so' help, they may well pick no help. And that's worse.
6d. In the same vein, don't concern troll them. Don't try to convince them that X thing is always going to fuck them up (usually X is something like kinkfic or porn). Trust them to know their own limits and lines, unless they ask for help figuring it out it's not your business.
6e. If you give them reason to think you don't have boundaries, they will tread over them. This is not because they are minors, but because they are people, and people have a tendency to push the limits.
6f. Set your boundaries clearly. Say 'I will not talk to you about this.' Your boundaries matter. 'Don't bring this up, it makes me uncomfortable' is a fine and good and valid thing to say. This is how you actually model good boundaries, not by telling them what their boundaries should be but by stating and enforcing yours.
7a. Minors have sexualities, minors have kinks. Some of them watch porn about it and some of them read it and some of them write it. You have to accept this and move on. You have to understand that what they wank to is not your problem, even if they're wanking to the worst fetish porn. The only way their sexuality becomes your problem is if they try to seduce you, and that is not really going to happen unless their situation at is like, really really really bad.
7b. Some minors are viciously uncomfortable about sex and kink. So are some adults. It's fine.
8. Most teenagers are still learning to regulate their own emotions, and this is hard to do even when you're an adult and don't have a bunch of fucky hormones running amok in your blood. Extend them compassion.
9. It's not actually your job to save them from their family/the world/themselves. If their parents are abusing them, you can send them resources on how to get away from them but you don't have to adopt them. It doesn't make you a failure of a friend if you can't fix their life. It's not your job.
10. Just because you're an adult and they're not doesn't mean they can't hurt you. You don't actually have all the power in this relationship, even if it looks like that / feels like that. Recognize their capacity to cause pain and be upfront about it when something they say gets out of line.
There's going to be an accompanying thread about how to identify predators and how to interact with adults as a minor, too. If you have stuff you'd want to add to that side of the conversation, feel free.
I was going to put another cut here and talk about the things I had for this side, but I am. So very. Sick. My brain cells are firing through mucus, and I've blown my nose so much it's sore, and my headache is splitting my skull. Cheers.
[My favourite response to this question was my friend going 'nothing. I just treat them like normal people' and we laughed a little about it and then I had the somewhat cringeworthy realisation that this is not in fact very obvious to most people.]
1. Treat minors like people.
2. It's alright to set boundaries about what you will and won't talk about with minors.
3. If you're in fandom and you write porn, it's safe to assume that minors are reading it. There's nothing you can do to prevent this from happening.
4. Sometimes, if a minor is talking to you about something, there may well be no one else in their life they can turn to.
5. It's not your job to be on your best behavior around them 24/7. If you try to be a role model, you will alienate them. You are not there to be a role model, you're there to be a friend. If you're trying to be a role model, they will be able to tell, and it will not end pretty.
6a. Respect the boundaries they set, even if those boundaries don't make sense to you. This is basic people skills. If they ask you not to do something, don't do it. Conversely, if they indicate that something is bueno, trust them. Allow them space to change their boundaries.
6b. Help them enforce boundaries if they ask you to. If they come to you like 'this person is creeping me out', you can help them.
6c. But do not enforce boundaries they haven't asked you to enforce. If you learn that they're RPing sex you don't have to go 'hey that's a really bad idea' even if you're dead certain it's a bad idea. Go scream about it in private with another friend. Letting them know you disapprove of a thing they enjoy doing is means you'll be last person they come to when things go south. Everyone is afraid they'll have to hear 'I told you so' when they fuck up. Even adults. If you give someone a choice between no help and 'I told you so' help, they may well pick no help. And that's worse.
6d. In the same vein, don't concern troll them. Don't try to convince them that X thing is always going to fuck them up (usually X is something like kinkfic or porn). Trust them to know their own limits and lines, unless they ask for help figuring it out it's not your business.
6e. If you give them reason to think you don't have boundaries, they will tread over them. This is not because they are minors, but because they are people, and people have a tendency to push the limits.
6f. Set your boundaries clearly. Say 'I will not talk to you about this.' Your boundaries matter. 'Don't bring this up, it makes me uncomfortable' is a fine and good and valid thing to say. This is how you actually model good boundaries, not by telling them what their boundaries should be but by stating and enforcing yours.
7a. Minors have sexualities, minors have kinks. Some of them watch porn about it and some of them read it and some of them write it. You have to accept this and move on. You have to understand that what they wank to is not your problem, even if they're wanking to the worst fetish porn. The only way their sexuality becomes your problem is if they try to seduce you, and that is not really going to happen unless their situation at is like, really really really bad.
7b. Some minors are viciously uncomfortable about sex and kink. So are some adults. It's fine.
8. Most teenagers are still learning to regulate their own emotions, and this is hard to do even when you're an adult and don't have a bunch of fucky hormones running amok in your blood. Extend them compassion.
9. It's not actually your job to save them from their family/the world/themselves. If their parents are abusing them, you can send them resources on how to get away from them but you don't have to adopt them. It doesn't make you a failure of a friend if you can't fix their life. It's not your job.
10. Just because you're an adult and they're not doesn't mean they can't hurt you. You don't actually have all the power in this relationship, even if it looks like that / feels like that. Recognize their capacity to cause pain and be upfront about it when something they say gets out of line.
There's going to be an accompanying thread about how to identify predators and how to interact with adults as a minor, too. If you have stuff you'd want to add to that side of the conversation, feel free.
I was going to put another cut here and talk about the things I had for this side, but I am. So very. Sick. My brain cells are firing through mucus, and I've blown my nose so much it's sore, and my headache is splitting my skull. Cheers.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-15 07:47 pm (UTC)I realize that most adults talking with minors fon't fall under the level of scrutiny that I do at work, but the reality is that parents, other relatives, peers, and even the minors themselves can all decide at some point that you, the adult, are a danger to the minor, and it is in your best interest to be conscientious of that.