it is in your self interest to be very tender

[nerdflighter]

for many years, I focused hard on being a hard person. someone who valued respect over everything else, someone who didn't extend much softness or tenderness to others and didn't expect any in return. I was trying to be the kind of person I thought I had to be in order to stay alive while queer and mentally ill and without support, and when I look back at it it seems almost like a form of self harm, because that's not the kind of person I am.

I mean. the title of my main blog over on tumblr - a blog I'm dedicated to keeping as soft and tender as possible, is literally 'tenderly'. I didn't, like, change it to make my point skjhfs lmao. it's fair to say that I relate strongly to the idea of being soft, of being tender, and I very much took Holzer at face value with this quote, because the first time I read it I went 'yes. yes it is, and you know what? I'm going to do this thing now, which is in my self-interest to do' I felt seen. it felt so wonderful to see someone acknowledge that being soft and tender is important, is a worthwhile goal to pursue, because everyone around me was so against that sort of thing.

I strive constantly for tenderness, and it's a private goal. I still value respect - I'm not sure why I ever wouldn't - but tenderness is my thing. it's having a nice blog because having a nice blog makes me happy. it's doing things that make me feel good and not worrying about what others think of me even though I worry constantly what other people think of me - it's the vulnerability that comes with wanting things and being afraid and wanting things anyway. it's watching shows in which people die and blacklisting the spoilers so the deaths really hit - and that's a lot for me, because for about 4 years in the middle I aggressively refused to get attached to any character who died. tenderness is keeping myself open to feeling things as much as I can and still be safe. I can't articulate everything it means to me, all the ways in which being constantly kind and soft and tender has made me more myself, because even that's a stage of vulnerability I'm not at yet.

I guess the flip side of having spent years trying unsuccessfully to be colder than I am is that I still have this weird craving to be that person. the one who no longer cares about the people who hurt me. the kind of person who can watch game of thrones and not feel like dying every time there's a lot of blood. I admire people who aren't tender or soft and don't want to be. I just think it's very brave and sexy of them to be like that, but I can't do it and I want to.



*screams*
I really want there to be a meaningful way to convey the idea that tenderness is SO important and vital to me...it isn't something social. it's private. it's
huh
it's kind of like a gender, isn't it? would it be the ultimate mogai libqueer move to put in my gender as 'tenderness'. can i do that. is being tender legal yet *strums guitar*

Comments

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

I mean that's essentially the premise behind many xenogenders, is conceptualizing and articulating gender around concepts and premises which are not typically assumed to be related to gender.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have a decent set of morals, and that will get you far in life. A phrase I heard once which stuck with me really hard is "misanthropy is reactionary." Being cold and hating the world is a reaction/coping mechanism to bad things that happen/being in a bad place, but it's human nature to care and be engaged in life/other people.

[staranise]

Holy shit, tenderness as a gender. I like it.

(Have you seen Brene Brown on vulnerability? For me, the concept of wholeheartedness is kind of aspirational. I'm not that metal, but I want to be.)