cw: kin things

[nerdflighter]

there is a tiny rat in my house and he just went under the sofa and my cats dead asleep and did not wake up but man i hope the little dude escapes because my cats do hunt when they get the chance.

I rarely get into the whole kin thing partly because I have a lot of weird complicated feelings about my identity and my introduction to the whole kinning thing on tumblr was a blogger who also kinned a couple of real people which is just. majorly yikes to me but it turns out kinning is like having a fursona - you can't really escape it if you have one You're Stuck With It so I've sorta resigned myself to the kinnie life.

I only have one kin, even if I'm one of those weirdo militant no doubles people: Dazai Osamu from bungou stray dogs.

[I just realized how much explaining I'm gonna have to do to make this epiphany make sense]

I've known for a while that when I write or read hurt/comfort fic, I'm a. projecting on the hurt character b. way more into the hurt part than the comfort part. but I rarely have to deal with kin shit on top of that, because apparently reading torture porn of a character you kin when you're extra depressed is like. A Whole Experience.

the depression thing is sort of like. I Knew This Would Happen It Is The Perfectly Logical Conclusion Of A Whole Buncha Decisions I Very Knowingly Made but man do I hate it! like yeah I pushed myself Very Hard writing-wise and clocked an atrocious amount of words (18k+ in less than two weeks) and finished like 4 fics w a further few started and left to marinate so I KNEW at some point my brain was gonna tank, like I'd hit a wall and my brain would give up and be like "done, no more productivity, oh god we lack purpose in life and should DIE" which is pretty much exactly what happened today.

except I'm also pmsing! which means that I woke up pretty happy, spent a nice morning, got really depressed around lunchtime and and stayed that way until about, like, 40 minutes ago? it's :37am as I write this

the entire time I was reading That Fic I was like "hoo boy I do not feel good" but also I had like...a feeling, based on past experiences, that reading it would Help Me? and I couldn't stop keeping track of Whether Or Not It Was Helping Me, which kept pulling me out of the story. but at some point that just switched off and we slid into the more comfort-y chapters which were still pretty angsty and I was like hmm. yeah. this is really good.

so now I feel SO MUCH better! So Much!!! holy fuck. I actually feel like most of a person again, albeit one with no social interaction energy and cotton fuzz between the ears.

thank fuck for torture porn, I guess.