a post about dazai
Jun. 7th, 2019 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nerdflighterbasically just some rambling about Dazai and objectification feels I threw at a friend earlier today
+ links to the four (FOUR) Dazai/objectification fics I have written
+ some talking about the fic I am currently writing and kinfeels related to that.
+ emotions
Dazai and objectification - why it works
(the short answer is: because I want it to)
basically this is a lot of canon characterization + characterization by me smushed together, so just,,go with it? writing as I do a Dazai who was not only abused by Mori but also by his parents in some or the other capacity - I end up with a character whose early memories are all bad, all trauma, even the good wrapped up in so much bad it almost isn't worth extricating.
with that much bad, at some point "less bad" also turns into good.
and because seeing himself as A Human Person who was hurt (and having an ability with the name no longer human :grimacing:) is pretty traumatic in and of itself, and because he doesn't want to do it! he just doesn't! it's far easier to see himself as object with agency, and then use that agency to pretend to be human.
which yes, makes him a human pretending to be human.
(it works for him, whaddaya know!)
this ties also into my theory about his suicidality; he'd be a lot less suicidal if people just let him be A Thing instead of forcing him to be a person/fake personhood all the time. partly because the part of him that sees himself as most definitely not human also gets on some level that not being human means his life is for other people and not for himself and therefore he is not allowed to kill himself
the whole "my life is for other people" thing is extrapolated from how people treat animals and electrics. (poor dazai - the traumatized autistic nonbinary really jumped out with this one.)
which brings me to the slightly uncomfortable conclusion of this piece: his ideal state of being is actually "dead-eyed flesh puppet in the hands of someone who loves him"
Dazai and objectification feels fics! yell heah
written originally on tumblr and therefore not titled: I wrote this primarily because I was not yet IN bsd fandom, but I wanted to write something anyway. I think I got their characterization down pretty well, all told, but this is the shortest of the fics.
they say you gotta fake it: this one is a bit hard because I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking when I wrote this - and at this point I don't enjoy the prospect of going back and reading it to find out. regardless, I rather like the outcome.
a soft process: I love this one! mainly because, ya know, shitfuck tons of projection, but it's such a good premise and I didn't fuck up the execution too badly :P
body living red: I linked this one earlier, but it belongs on this list so here it is. it's mostly dialogue, mostly written because I wanted to write SOMETHING, and somehow? managed to turn out pretty well?
kinning being what it is, sometimes I get hit with this weird dose of extremely complicated emotions - right now I'm writing a fic wherein Dazai gets raped, on screen and pretty explicitly. nominally I'm doing this for a friend, but how much I'm enjoying it is skeeving me out a little. it's one thing to know that rape fantasies are common and that I probably have one - but I've never written a rape kink that was so unmitigatedly rapey before. this isn't consensual noncon. it IS noncon, and my plans to write a comfort fic later on are mostly also about how much I can fuck Dazai up.
which brings me to the fact that in the ep32 of bsd, Dazai gets shot - and I watched the scene where he gets shot like 10, 20 times? like yeah, I wanted to grab screenshots but I also enjoyed it? a lot? it was incredibly satisfying in a way I don't generally associate with watching a character get shot. and the only key differences I can point to are "it's an anime" and "it's ME getting shot" which is! huh! something to know, anyway.
I joke about the kin thing a lot, because I have no other way of dealing with it; I joked to my friends about wanting Fyodor to "stab me (with a knife) AND/or have me sniped from behind" - but like. Fyodor is the guy raping Dazai in the fic I'm writing. and I am Dazai.
I am SO skeeved out by myself at this point lmao.
speaking of being skeeved out by myself - I am not happy with the things I'm doing right now. which is stalking my own kudos/comments to find people whose fics I then read and comment on. it feels stalkery and desperate and bad and I don't! know! how to stop! because ideally I want the approval of the people whose approval I want, but some of that approval is months away (an exchange fic that I lucked out and got a bnf on) but without that I'll settle for making people who hopefully have some amount of respect/admiration/ughidontwanttousethesewords for ME happy and it's just. a set of behaviors I'm not happy with.
on the upside I am engaging with fics a lot more because my goal is now "read AND comment" and sometimes it helps but it's not enough and I hate it and I hate everything, really.
+ links to the four (FOUR) Dazai/objectification fics I have written
+ some talking about the fic I am currently writing and kinfeels related to that.
+ emotions
Dazai and objectification - why it works
(the short answer is: because I want it to)
basically this is a lot of canon characterization + characterization by me smushed together, so just,,go with it? writing as I do a Dazai who was not only abused by Mori but also by his parents in some or the other capacity - I end up with a character whose early memories are all bad, all trauma, even the good wrapped up in so much bad it almost isn't worth extricating.
with that much bad, at some point "less bad" also turns into good.
and because seeing himself as A Human Person who was hurt (and having an ability with the name no longer human :grimacing:) is pretty traumatic in and of itself, and because he doesn't want to do it! he just doesn't! it's far easier to see himself as object with agency, and then use that agency to pretend to be human.
which yes, makes him a human pretending to be human.
(it works for him, whaddaya know!)
this ties also into my theory about his suicidality; he'd be a lot less suicidal if people just let him be A Thing instead of forcing him to be a person/fake personhood all the time. partly because the part of him that sees himself as most definitely not human also gets on some level that not being human means his life is for other people and not for himself and therefore he is not allowed to kill himself
the whole "my life is for other people" thing is extrapolated from how people treat animals and electrics. (poor dazai - the traumatized autistic nonbinary really jumped out with this one.)
which brings me to the slightly uncomfortable conclusion of this piece: his ideal state of being is actually "dead-eyed flesh puppet in the hands of someone who loves him"
Dazai and objectification feels fics! yell heah
written originally on tumblr and therefore not titled: I wrote this primarily because I was not yet IN bsd fandom, but I wanted to write something anyway. I think I got their characterization down pretty well, all told, but this is the shortest of the fics.
they say you gotta fake it: this one is a bit hard because I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking when I wrote this - and at this point I don't enjoy the prospect of going back and reading it to find out. regardless, I rather like the outcome.
a soft process: I love this one! mainly because, ya know, shitfuck tons of projection, but it's such a good premise and I didn't fuck up the execution too badly :P
body living red: I linked this one earlier, but it belongs on this list so here it is. it's mostly dialogue, mostly written because I wanted to write SOMETHING, and somehow? managed to turn out pretty well?
kinning being what it is, sometimes I get hit with this weird dose of extremely complicated emotions - right now I'm writing a fic wherein Dazai gets raped, on screen and pretty explicitly. nominally I'm doing this for a friend, but how much I'm enjoying it is skeeving me out a little. it's one thing to know that rape fantasies are common and that I probably have one - but I've never written a rape kink that was so unmitigatedly rapey before. this isn't consensual noncon. it IS noncon, and my plans to write a comfort fic later on are mostly also about how much I can fuck Dazai up.
which brings me to the fact that in the ep32 of bsd, Dazai gets shot - and I watched the scene where he gets shot like 10, 20 times? like yeah, I wanted to grab screenshots but I also enjoyed it? a lot? it was incredibly satisfying in a way I don't generally associate with watching a character get shot. and the only key differences I can point to are "it's an anime" and "it's ME getting shot" which is! huh! something to know, anyway.
I joke about the kin thing a lot, because I have no other way of dealing with it; I joked to my friends about wanting Fyodor to "stab me (with a knife) AND/or have me sniped from behind" - but like. Fyodor is the guy raping Dazai in the fic I'm writing. and I am Dazai.
I am SO skeeved out by myself at this point lmao.
speaking of being skeeved out by myself - I am not happy with the things I'm doing right now. which is stalking my own kudos/comments to find people whose fics I then read and comment on. it feels stalkery and desperate and bad and I don't! know! how to stop! because ideally I want the approval of the people whose approval I want, but some of that approval is months away (an exchange fic that I lucked out and got a bnf on) but without that I'll settle for making people who hopefully have some amount of respect/admiration/ughidontwanttousethesewords for ME happy and it's just. a set of behaviors I'm not happy with.
on the upside I am engaging with fics a lot more because my goal is now "read AND comment" and sometimes it helps but it's not enough and I hate it and I hate everything, really.
